Happy January!

Last night some of my truly wonderful friends from the farm visited. We had a great time playing The Game of Things... (Thanks, Betsy!) and watching Friday the 13th.

We also made lentil curry bowls and they were incredible! Really, you have to try this dish. We had to make some adjustments based on what spices were available at the store (tandoori masala and green thai chile paste, for example), but it turned out well even so. It was also fun to make the dish with my friends because we all work well together.

This was a perfect start to 2015.

I admire Amanda Palmer

Amanda Palmer.

This name has been on my radar for years. My longtime friend Kodi has been raving about her music and her work for as long as I have been on Twitter. I kept meaning to find out who she is.. but I just never got around to it.

My journey to Amanda Palmer is a little bit convoluted.

It all started when my little brother, TeeJay, introduced me to Doctor Who and The Vlog Brothers. I became a huge fan of DW, and a passive observer of Hank and John Green. This past fall, TeeJay came into the possession of three tickets to An Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall. He gifted two of those tickets to Jesse and I for Christmas.

One of the many fabulous people included in this celebration collaboration, positivity, art, and all-around good feels, was Neil Gaiman, a man I knew as a writer for Doctor Who.

Neil, I later learned, is both a fantastically amazing writer and Amanda Palmer's husband. Now I really needed to find out who this woman is.

So I followed her on Twitter as well.

And then I found her music.

And then I saw her TED Talk.

And then I was fully enraptured.



What I admire about Amanda is her honesty and the way she connects. Her tweets are conversations. Her blog entries are insights into her mind. Her music is the thoughts you won't let out for fear of judgment. But she let's it all out. She sees her fans and she loves them. She truly appreciates her fans - not in the "Thanks for making me rich" way, either. She gives and receives graciously and humbly. If more people knew had to say "please" and "thank you" the way Amanda does, the world would be a lot better off.






What do you think of Amanda's TED Talk? What do you think of her art and her following?

Quitting Facebook

Early in February my emotional state was hitting critical mass. I was feeling unimportant, unsuccessful, and boring. After talking with Jesse a little bit, I realized that a primary source of these problems was Facebook.

I was measuring my life in likes, seeking approval and validation in the comments. When a peer posted a picture of her new haircut, I would instantly compare myself to her, wondering why her profile picture had so many more likes than mine. I felt ugly. When people stopped telling me how cool I looked on Facebook, I felt boring. It had been a while since I had posted a picture of myself on top of a mountain. Did this mean I was no longer worthy of attention? According to my perception of myself on Facebook, yes.

As my newsfeed was filled up with Thirsty Thursdays and weekend trips to Atlantic City, I felt left out. Why wasn't anyone inviting me out to the bar? Why wasn't I on the short list for a weekend at the beach house? I felt as though my life should match the highlight reel that everyone posts on Facebook.

So, without any announcement or build up, I quit. After using Facebook for over 7 years, I expected to crave it, to feel like I was out of the loop. Honestly, though, it's been easy. I am still tempted to type "facebook.com" into my url bar, but not because I want to know what's going on. I do it out of habit. Then, I stop and realize that I don't care.

When I want to know what my friends are doing - friends, not "friends" - I ask them. I text them. I email them. Maybe I'll tweet them on Twitter. I even started a pen-pal relationship with an old friend on the west coast. It has been a fun challenge. I am no longer passively interacting with people I barely know. I am actively engaging my friends.

Quitting Facebook has also caused me to reevaluate my friendships. Who is worth the time? Who are acquaintances and who are friends? I've let a few people slip into the "acquaintance" category, and I've bumped others up into the "I want to be friends with this person so I'm going to make the effort" category. It takes a lot of effort, I've realized, to make friends and keep friends. It's so much more than a friend request.

Did quitting Facebook solve all my self-esteem issues? Absolutely not. But it did limit the triggers. Sometimes I miss the ability to reach a large audience quickly (have ya'll seen my new project Feeding My Love?), but I like the privacy I am now afforded. I don't feel compelled to tell everyone everything. I feel a little more comfortable being me.

Are you thinking about quitting Facebook? Have you pulled the plug already? Tell me about it in the comments section!

Connective Tissue

Tammy over at Rowdy Kittens posed the question, "What does your connective tissue look like?" Connective tissue, she writes, is:

"The aspects of your life that support you, help you function in highly specialized ways, nourish your core and give you strength — that’s your connective tissue — the intangible ways in which you feel connected — the fibres that bind your being to those you share the planet with."

For me it's taking goofy pictures with my siblings, making delicious food with a friend, genuine compliments from people I respect, sleeping outside with people who love the outdoors as much as I do, looking at Chris and not being able to keep a smile off my face, cuddling with Ein, trading Doctor Who theories with my dad and brother, a concert in the rain with my sister that nearly killed our electronics but we didn't even worry, my mom hugging me and helping me solve my problems, my future brother-in-law taking me for a ride on his motorcycle, my sister's boyfriend making me breakfast because I always end up sleeping on his couch, ridiculous discussions with Trista via social media, ridiculous plans with Sammy at the branch, the smiles and shrieks and giggles from my kids on swim lessons, the enthusiasm of my campers, seeing my extended family on a regular basis, and friends who enjoy spending time with me as much as I enjoy spending time with them.

What does yours look like?

San Francisco Part 5: The People

This whole trip couldn't have been possible without the generosity of my awesome cousin Steph. I really had fun hanging out with her, and she helped us make the trip amazing.

We also met a few neat people.

Rainn Wilson and Steph.

Cooking up an awesome dinner.

Lars Rasmussen, one of the guys behind Google Maps. Also a really rad dude. Be still, my geeky heart.

I can't wait to go back.

I forgive me

Photo: spudart

One year ago, my life was pretty crazy. Not homeless, natural disaster crazy. Just your run of the mill interpersonal chaos. The details are a little too personal to talk about in a public forum, but long story short: I hurt people and I got hurt.

Even when the dust settled and things went back to "normal," I couldn't let go of all the feelings I had accumulated in that time. I was still hurting and I was wracked with guilt over the mistakes I thought I had made. It was almost crippling at times, and I lost even more friends partly due to my inability to deal with these emotions and regrets.

Time heals, as they say, but my inner turmoil only lessened, not disappeared. It kept me awake some nights night and generally brought me down. In the past year, however, I've been bit by bit dealing with problems that predated this whole mess (sorry if this is obnoxiously vague). Through this process I've been able to come to terms with what happened and change my outlook.

I've learned to forgive myself.

I was 20 years old, and I did the best I could at the time with information, knowledge, and maturity I had. In hindsight, yeah, there are things I could have done differently. I did what I thought was best. It may not have turned out as well as it could have, but I did it and I learned. And that's okay. I can't beat myself up over not knowing what to do. It's like being mad at yourself for not being able to make a quiche when you have no eggs and don't know how to use a stove. I learned a lot in the process, and I'm okay now.

I forgive me.

Unfriend

Recently, I've been mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook homepage, reading maybe 20% of the "news" the social networking genies deem important. The other 80% of the information presented to me, I realized, was about people I really wasn't interested in. These were the people I used to work with, used to go to school with, or once had a class together and haven't talked since. Their new profile pictures, their status updates, their farmville activities... I couldn't care less about. It was just useless information taking up my time.

So, I unfriended them.

This wasn't done with malice, or negative feelings. Skimming over the list of over 500 people I was supposedly friends with, I mostly felt apathy. Sure, I sometimes wonder "Whatever happened to...?" but whether they're married or smoking crack wouldn't affect me either way. So I clicked the little X next to their names, confirmed the deletion, and put them behind me - over one hundred times. If I seem them at Shoprite next week, I'll smile and say hi. If they invite me out to catch up, even though we weren't even friends in high school, I'll probably take them up on it. Maybe we'll be friends down the road, but we are not friends now. When I'm wasting my time on Facebook, I want to be wasting my time learning about my friends' lives, not strangers'.

Thanksgiving and growing up

Thanksgiving is quite possibly my favorite holiday. Every year my dad's big Irish family gets together and celebrates together. This is a tradition that began long before I was born and I hope it continues long after I am gone, at least in some incarnation.

Recently Thanksgiving has become not only an opportunity to reconnect with family, but also a time to touch base with some of my oldest friends. College is a great way to not see the people you grew up with. Luckily Thanksgiving is a good excuse to come home. This year I'm especially looking forward to seeing the people who have known me since I was in my terrible teens because the past twelve months have been period of great transition. I've grown up a lot, and, as I am constantly reminded, a big part of growing up is letting go. I let go of some friends this year, usually because they let go of me. I've hurt feelings and had my feelings hurt. I reached a point where I didn't trust a single friend and I didn't want to make any new friends. But I learned and I forgave myself and others. This year has made me especially grateful for my friends who never gave up on me. The friends who have seen me at my best and loved me even at my worst. The friends who know we all have our bad days, bad weeks, bad months, even bad years. The friends who know that behind that bad attitude is someone worth fighting for.

This year I am grateful for friendship, forgiveness, and learning.