One year ago, my life was pretty crazy. Not homeless, natural disaster crazy. Just your run of the mill interpersonal chaos. The details are a little too personal to talk about in a public forum, but long story short: I hurt people and I got hurt.
Even when the dust settled and things went back to "normal," I couldn't let go of all the feelings I had accumulated in that time. I was still hurting and I was wracked with guilt over the mistakes I thought I had made. It was almost crippling at times, and I lost even more friends partly due to my inability to deal with these emotions and regrets.
Time heals, as they say, but my inner turmoil only lessened, not disappeared. It kept me awake some nights night and generally brought me down. In the past year, however, I've been bit by bit dealing with problems that predated this whole mess (sorry if this is obnoxiously vague). Through this process I've been able to come to terms with what happened and change my outlook.
I've learned to forgive myself.
I was 20 years old, and I did the best I could at the time with information, knowledge, and maturity I had. In hindsight, yeah, there are things I could have done differently. I did what I thought was best. It may not have turned out as well as it could have, but I did it and I learned. And that's okay. I can't beat myself up over not knowing what to do. It's like being mad at yourself for not being able to make a quiche when you have no eggs and don't know how to use a stove. I learned a lot in the process, and I'm okay now.
I forgive me.
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